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only thing that matters

April 2009

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only thing that matters

First REAL Post. Enjoy.

Hey everyone, So I love this site. It keeps me going everyday. But sometimes I feel like people look at things I have written and think that I don't belong here. Probably just another self confidence thing that I am making up in my head....I know that most of you can probably relate to that because we are all dealing with similar things here. Anyway, I'm back after 17 weeks of being "healthy," and I wanted to share a little bit about who I am and why I am here. I want to keep this updated at least every other day (may be hard on weekends when the husband is here) because I think it is helpful when we use this site as an outlet to share our lives with each other as well as use it to keep my mind off of everything else. Here is some info about me:*I have NOT struggled with ana my whole life. I have always gone through cycles where I restrict for a period of time and then binge, then restrict, then binge. In the past year I have started keeping myself from binging and I am constantly restricting. I never give myself permission to eat more than 500cals a day and usually my limit is much less than that unless I am doing the 2-4-6-8.

*I first remember my restrictive nature starting when I was in 7th grade. I ran track and I would water fast until dinner (after practice) every night when I would eat next to nothing and tell my parents I had a big lunch at school. Then one day I passed out during a race and threw up on myself. The doctor told me that I was dangerously thin and that I needed to blah blah blah...I actually won this time because I told him I was only thin because I had decided to become a vegetarian and that plus track and really made me lose weight. Being on here before I feel like that is one of the things that made you all look at me like a wannabe or something, but I look at ana like any other sickness: You have a cancer before you go to the doctor. If you never went to the doctor to be diagnosed it would still kill you. Being diagnosed makes it seem more real but you don't have to be diagnosed to have a disease.

*I'm married. This makes it really hard to skip meals because he notices, and super hard to have self control when I have to cook for my husband every night.

*Right now, these are my stats: I'm 5'5" HW: 154 CW: 142 (as of about 10 minutes ago) LW: 120 GW: 125 UGW: 105

*My favorite site besides this one is anaregzig.blogspot.com but I just checked her recent posts for the first time since I've been back and she had an intervention and hasn't written anything since January.

* My husband sleeps on the couch when I go to bed hungry. He can tell by either the lack of dishes/food gone since he left that day, or by my loud fucking stomach. I try to drink lots and lots of diet coke and water to quiet it, but sometimes it just doesn't cut it.

* The reason I have been gone for several months is because we finally got officially married, went on the honeymoon and school OWNED me. I had so much stress from it all that my body was falling apart from fasting and restricting that it was actually storing poop in my intestines to try to use for food. I hadn't eaten in a good long while but my intestines were so full that even when I tried to DRINK something I would throw it up. I had to have a colonoscopy, a barium swallow and all sorts of other fun tests after spending a week in the hospital. So I just made the decision to eat until life slowed down because it wasn't worth it to be sick on my wedding day and honeymoon.

Hmmm that's all I can think of for now. Here is some of my favorite Thinspo...you've probably seen it all before but keep in mind that I haven't really embraced this as my life for that long so I have to start somewhere :)
OMG give me her stomach.
I just think she is so cute. Look how tiny she is.
Why can't I look like this?

How is she so small but still has great boobs? I can only have boobs when I'm fat. I'm afraid of implants because of all the side effects. Soo jealous.

I love Britney Spears because she and I have the same body type. If she can do it, I can too. Especially since I'm not as fat as she was to begin with *thank God*

I've got the big ribs like her. Maybe at some point I'll have the flat stomach like her so that my big ribs don't make me look even more fat. They have to stick out like that.
Here are some pics of me:*REMOVED* b/c I get too paranoid that someone will recognize me. <3 thanks for the comments, though. I will post more by June 1st but will only leave them up for a short period of time again just to be safe...you probably know the feeling.


you look really great! You'll get to where you want to me, i know you will! you seem like such a strong person <3 . Stay Strong.

p.s. - i'm in the same boob boat with you! haha
You'll get there, looks like you're pretty close to a flat stomach already. You already look better than that Jessica Simpson pic. :)